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Debunk It! |
Okay, I know I screwed up and lost a previous article...but it's not my fault. Really. I mean it. I thought that I could just add a single article from an alternate desktop running citydesk, but apparently it rewrote the whole site with a slightly outdated source file that didn't have the MBA rant included. I'll fix it when I get a chance.
For now, I thought I would add something completely different. I was sharing some anecdotes about cold weather with some friends, and we got to talking about the great sayings about how cold it was. I sent them this:
It was so cold where I grew up (pause)
"How cold was it?"
It was so cold, when we wanted to build a fire, we had to defrost the old one first.
It was so cold, spit would freeze before it hit the ground (this part is actually true, it happens at about -40F)
It was so cold, even the bears wore coats.
It was so cold, even the snow got the shivers.
It was so cold, it would get down to 600 million below zero. Indoors. At noon. In August.
Then, one of the guys responded with:
Freezee balls off a brass monkey, eh?
A brief discussion ensued about the etymology of this term, and someone busted out this little tidbit:
That saying came from the days of tall ships, where the cannon balls were
real iron balls. They used to stack them in brass racks called "brassmonkeys".
When they traveled into the colder regions, the brass would contract at a
different rate than the iron and the balls would spills out onto the deck.
Thus the term "Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey".
Among this particular group, we consider it fashionable to pick out urban legends and debunk them, so it wasn't long before some came up with this link This was almost immediately followed by a request for a better explanation, since snopes didn't do such a good job of it. It was at this point, that I submitted this:
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It is well known that the Sultans of Persia kept a great many animals in their Sultanates. They held highest in esteem the monkey, as it was a symbol of power over other man-like creatures that they could be kept as pets. One particular Sultan/King (Darius) even went so far as develop a deep affection for one the largest male monkeys in his troupe. A revered and highly honored pet, upon the death of this monkey, Darius ordered his best craftsmen to create a likeness of the beast in gold. Thus, a magnificent statue was erected in the throne room.
Now, Sultans being such popular and important figures, it naturally proceeds that his followers all aspire to have their own 'gold monkey', both to bring good luck and fortune to their homes, and to stay in the Sultan's good favor by prominently displaying their monkey outside their homes. As such, the craft and trade of smaller, yet nearly identical figurines begins. At first, only the very wealthy can afford them, and they are not too common. After some time though, even the lower classes begin to clamor for their monkeys, and the industry blooms wherein are made hundreds and thousands of imitation brass monkeys, instead of gold ones.
Well, it should be noted that the very first statue of the monkey (Darius' pet), was anatomically correct and indeed very well endowed. With all of these hundreds and thousands of brass monkeys now being displayed prominently around the Sultan's kingdom, the local clergy began to take notice, and decided that something simply had to change. It wasn't fitting to have a creature with such a close resemblance to a man sitting on every street corner and doorstep, with his privates exposed. So, they consulted their sacred texts, prayed for guidance, and decided that they needed to pass a decree, and pressure the Sultan into outlawing the anatomically correct symbols. Knowing of the Sultan's love for the original inspiration for the offending items, they decided to offer a compromise, in that the monkeys themselves were fine, but that they needed to lose the offending organs, or have them 'covered up' in some way. The Sultan, enraged, stormed up and down the throne room insisting that he could and should have the entire clergy killed for such an outrageous suggestion!
The clerics immediately scrambled away, to think of a new tactic.
Weeks later, they returned to the Sultan, and again asked to speak to him about the offending monkeys. Having had some time to calm down, the Sultan was willing to listen. This time, the clerics suggested that any of the monkeys that had been cast or sculpted in Gold could be left alone, as this indeed was a noble and holy metal, and could not be thought of as sinful. The brass monkeys, however, were an impure metal, and thus sinful in the eyes of the almighty. Again, the king was enraged, and sent the clerics packing, as he thought this to be ridiculous.
The clerics, having lost a second time, and afraid they'd lose their heads on the third, decided to take a different approach. They went to the Sultan's first wife, who was devoutly religious, and a member of their congregation. They pled their case to her, and asked her to intervene on their behalf.
The next week, they returned to seek the Sultan again. On this trip, they found him quite a different man than before. He slumped in his throne, his chin on one hand, looking dejected and forlorn. Upon approaching him and asking if they could speak to him about the brass monkeys, the Sultan simply waved a hand and said, 'Take them. Take the damn brass monkey balls.' The clerics, overjoyed, were yet curious enough to ask the Sultan what had changed his mind.
"My wife," the Sultan said, "that bitch is the only woman I know who can be cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey."