 |
|
|
|
Sorry for the long delay in posting. Just recently had the opportunity to do a little creative endeavor, based on the following question:
"So, with about 10.5 days off, what do you do?"
Read on for the answer....*
*(actual body edited slightly from original content for clarity and intent)
Day 1.
Sleep in late. Laze around in bed, get up and enjoy a cup of coffee. Read the newspaper. Watch TV/net surf until nightfall. Go back to bed.
Day 2.
Get up early. Make coffee, read paper. Sweep/shovel the driveway. Surf some more internet, then tackle that cabinet project in the garage you have been putting off. Work until late night...go to bed exhausted.
Day 3.
Get up, work the cramps out of your neck and shoulders. Decide to call a contractor to unbotch the cabinet job. Go to make coffee, realize you're out. Go to grocery store, get more coffee. Head home to make coffee and start your day. Later on, throw away burnt remains of coffee maker. Decide you no longer want coffee...open a bottle of scotch.
Much later, call ex-girlfriend several times...leave no words on her voice mail...just incoherent sobbing.
Day 4.
Wake up at crack of noon. Shave tongue. On way to kitchen, step on shattered remains of your cell phone. Pull tiny shards of plastic out of the bottom of your foot. Remember coffee maker is broken...head immediately for bottle of scotch.
Day 5.
Wake up at 10:30. Send hooker home with a nice $50 tip. Assure her you'll car her again. Decide you neat to straighten things out. Plan on going to store and buying new coffee maker. Arrive at store, realize you are hungry...stop into sports bar next door for a quick bite.
6 hours later, stumble out of sports bar, to find store closed. Realize you seem to have lost your pockets. Ask a stranger for help. Urinate on the curb.
Much later. After running from the cops for what seems like hours, you don't really recall how you got here, but continue smoking whatever your new 'buddies' hand you. Play it cool, you don't want to freak out.
Not very much later. Freak out. Run for the door...fighting your way through all the gooey colors in the air.
Day 6.
Wake up next to bum in alley. Realize someone stole your watch. Vomit. Twice. Decide you *really* need to get back home. Take your shoes back from bum, walk home.
Much, much later. Arrive at home. Pass out on the floor.
Day 7.
Wake up at 6:00 a.m., shoo away dog that is licking your face. Wave to neighbors. Close front door. Shit, shower, shave. Decide to put your life back in order. When doorbell rings, answer it. Tell hooker you are really really sorry, but no...she can't hide from her angry pimp at your house. Also tell her you have no money...someone seems to have stolen your wallet and your watch. Assure her you are having a pretty bad week yourself, and that you don't really need this extra drama in your life right now.
Much later. After finishing up the dinner dishes, ask hooker if she would like another scotch.
Day 8.
Wake up in Vegas. Try in vain to remove the ring from your finger. Quietly try to slip out of bed without waking hooker wife. Fail. Assure hooker wife that you were just going to sneak out and bring back some breakfast.
Later. While trying to sneak out of the back of the casino, run into angry pimp. Beg for mercy.
Much later. "Come to" in the desert. It's dark, it's cold, and you have no idea where you are or how you got here. Use tongue to count how many teeth are missing. Decide it's 5. Probe the bruise on your temple with a finger...collapse in exhaustion and pain.
Day 9.
Wake up and shoo away coyote that was trying to eat your face. Cry to all the gods that are or have ever been. Scream out soul-searching, gut-wrenching pleas for answers as to why they must punish you like this. When no answer comes, suffer complete mental collapse, and make a funny hat out of yucca. Start walking in a random direction.
Much later. Thank the kind people in the white uniforms for taking you some place nice and comfortable. Realize that the shower and delousing makes you feel almost human again. Decide you really need to get your shit together.
Day 10.
Wake up early. After being released from the hospital, call your Aunt Barbara collect and ask her to wire you some cash, so you can get a flight home. Spend all day at Wal-Mart waiting for the Western Union moneygram to come through. When it does, purchase a cheap 'pay as you go cell phone.' While sitting on the bench waiting for a cab to airport, realize angry pimp is heading right for you. Buy his forgiveness by giving him your cell phone and wedding ring. Mentally chuckle about potential hilarity of ex-girlfriend returning your calls to an angry pimp.
Just short of midnight, catch the red-eye back home.
Day 10.5.
After not sleeping at all on the flight home, spend four hours convincing counter monkey to rent you that car for what cash you have left. Finally succeed on sheer 'patheticness.' Speed home, take shower. Run back out to car, and drive to work.
Settle back in to happy, normal routine. Thankful for the structure which defines your life, and gives meaning to your existence.
Later. After work, the guys are going out for drinks, and invite you along. Decide to go. You order scotch...
|
|
|
| |
|